i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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