we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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