I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Did I show you my penis last night?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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