cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my phone needs a breathalizer
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
