OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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