The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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