Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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