I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
