I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
