I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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