If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
