Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
