see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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