he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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