we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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