i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
