On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm really busy with my period
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