No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
