i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
