she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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