dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
