Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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