i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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