party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
