I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
