Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
