Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Two words: blizzard sex
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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