forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
