pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
