I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
