I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize