The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
