The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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