I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've blown a few things in my day
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
