we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
