highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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