I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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