Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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