I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
