Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
nutella sex= disaster
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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