The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He? As in you personified your dick?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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