I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I intend to get homeless drunk
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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