yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
