Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
