I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
