Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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