who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
