I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
