I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
