I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
