Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
