I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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