another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
