How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Welp...herpes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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