I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
