I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
