check it out our google latitudes are spooning
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
