i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
