My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
