oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Pants 0. Shit 1.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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