I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
