I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
