so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
